A Letter to My Waiter … From Me and My Baby
By Asha Jameson
To My Waiter,
Thanks for working tonight and I’m sorry you’re waiting on people instead of enjoying a meal out yourself! Oh, and sorry to have caused that little grimace on your face when you saw me and my baby at your table.
I’m a complete and utter foodie AND a new mother. I’m also an ex-waitress of 15 years. Let me assure you, I’ve read everything and will DO everything to make sure this experience is pleasant for you, me and the people around us.
I’ve made sure she’s not tired. I’ve made sure she’s not hungry. I’ve brought a plethora of toys, books and other distractions with me. If she melts down, I will leave, and most importantly, I have chosen this restaurant carefully! And while I don’t agree that babies should be banned from fancy restaurants, like the chef for Alinea in Chicago expressed on Twitter, I definitely know which restaurants will work for us, and which won’t.
Hope you don’t think I’m rude, but here are some suggestions that might make this a little easier on everyone, including you…
1) Please bring me a menu right away, not 15 minutes after I’ve sat down. I only have approximately 17 minutes total, so that can make the difference between a smooth and enjoyable meal, and having to spend your time packing up untouched food to go!
2) However talented you are in carrying 12 hot plates at once, please don’t hold them over my baby’s head while serving them. It stresses me out and can make for a really serious situation.
3) Please don’t place my full-to-the-brim martini glass directly in front of my baby. The glistening liquid and tantalizing skewer of olives are pretty much the most exciting thing she has ever seen. (“Oh my goodness, that’s AMAZING! I NEED to grab it NOW!!!”)
4) I want the check as soon as you bring my food. If I want dessert or coffee, I’ll let you know. I’ll also have my credit card ready for you, so please don’t drop a check and disappear on your smoke break for the next 30 minutes, please. (Totally me 15 years ago! )
and finally,
5) If you smile at me or offer some help, somehow, I will be overcome with happy feelings and gratitude. This will result in me leaving a HUGE tip and complementing you to your manager on my way out.
That’s all. Thanks again for all that you do.
Best,
The lady with the bags under her eyes and spit-up on her shirt, carrying the bottle of 1994 Burgundy.
Asha Jameson is an attorney who lives in Oakland, CA with her husband and 9-month-old baby girl, Clover. She writes about balancing work and family life for the blog, www.hearsayandhappiness.com, under the pseudonym “Hope.”
