By Nancy L. Wolf
Question 1: Who do you think changed the great majority of your diapers when you were an infant?
A. The Tooth Fairy.
B. No one, you were toilet-trained at birth.
C. Not your dad who slept through the night with ease when you didn’t.
D. Me, your mom.
Question 2: If your answer to Question 1 was (as it should be) “D”, then Why Do You Feel the Need to Instruct Me Every Single Time on How to Change the Diapers of My New Grandson?
A. Because Diaper Technology has significantly evolved since you were born in 1984.
B. Because I failed to correctly apply the organic diaper rash cream.
C. Because I did not line up the diaper tabs with exact precision.
D. Because you have a Type A Personality (as you have had since you were born in 1984.)
Question 3: What is the optimal millennial mom approach to Baby Bedtime?
A. To sigh heavily because your mom should know without having to be told precisely what time the baby should be placed in his crib.
B. To tell your mom that the baby must be placed in his crib at exactly 7:00 p.m. or there will be consequences.
C. If you are out, and when you return, your mom is still playing with the baby who is not in his crib and it is already 7:10 p.m., to wag your finger and tap your watch in annoyance.
D. All of the Above.
Question 4: If your baby is “accidentally” fed a tiny bit of ice cream at age 7 months, what should you do?
A. Scold your dad.
B. Tell your dad that dairy products (other than breast milk) have not yet been tested on his new grandson.
C. Email your dad three scientific studies to read on the perils of giving ice cream to a baby.
D. Relax and say, “how sweet, Dad, look how he likes it?”
E. A, B and/or C but not D.
Question 5: If your baby is accidentally placed in his crib with his swaddling blanket not fully secured by parentally-related, Saturday night unpaid babysitters, your options include:
A. Promptly take an iPhone photo of the offending swaddling for evidence purposes.
B. Call your mom and dad early on Sunday morning to find out which of them was guilty of the improper swaddling.
C. Complain that the baby did not sleep well, even if he did, because his swaddling came loose.
D. All of the above.
Question 6: If you have (God willing) a second baby, you will learn from your experience with baby #1 and in the future will:
A. Not be upset at your mom and dad if they never figure out how to operate the latest model baby video monitor.
B. Try to understand that your parents actually managed to raise you without any assistance from mommy blogs, parenting websites or new mom list servs and look how well you turned out.
C. Realize that you are doing an amazing job as a new mother even if your son fails to appreciate the homemade kale, quinoa, avocado puree you keep trying to feed him—so Relax a bit!
D. Know that you have made your own mom and dad incredibly thrilled to be new grandparents.
Nancy L. Wolf is a Mom of Two Adult Kids, a New Nana and an Ecstatic Empty Nester who recently returned to writing after too many years spent as a Washington DC lawyer. You can find her Blog at http://www.wittyworriedandwolf.wordpress.com